You’ve got a girl, a great job… but do you have Brothers?

I was at the airport last week, waiting at baggage claim and saw a tough looking guy start smiling like a big fool as he slowly raised his hand high above his head, and popped out his middle finger. Looking behind me I saw another guy hustling over and landing right in the middle of a huge bear hug. They couldn’t have been happier to see each other. These guys were Bros! Had they grown up together, played on the same teams, gone to the same schools? Maybe they joined the Service after 911 and went to war. Man, I don’t know, maybe they sat next to each other pounding on keyboards, crammed onto a trading floor, swapping other people’s millions. With some guys, flipping each other off can be a deep sign of love and respect. Such a dude thing to come at each other harsh and intense. I loved how these guys spent their first few seconds in the same place after what might have been years.

I’m a 58-year-old man who’s always needed a good amount of connection and support. This was embarrassing for a long time, and you might have known me and asked, “How are you man? Oh, I’m good, yeah, how about you dude? Yep, all good here too.” Or a young buddy told me you can just text “I.G.Y.G? I’m good you good?” By the way this is what a lot of guys call a good, solid therapy session. But for me I always knew I had to go deeper and a handful of years ago I started studying guys friendships. Why? It was time. You might call it falling off a cliff or hitting the wall at full speed. However, you want to describe it, one morning after an intense and honest talk with my wife, things got pretty bad. The next day, I was looking both ways as I snuck into a counselor buddies office to see if I could get some help. Deep help. I had swerved off the road, through the guard rails, over the cliff and was flipping end over end toward the rocks below. Counseling was the nuclear option I knew I needed but what has really gotten me back up on the road is my Brothers, buddies, and friends. I truly would not be clicking these keys to write this without guys I can call at any time and say anything I need to without judgement. And the best thing is a few of them give me input that’s worth its weight in gold, because they truly know me. We’ve walked shoulder to shoulder for years now.

It can happen. I see it all the time. If it’s for you, read on Brother.

Three things you need to know about growing a brother.

1. It's not like it was when we were kids.

Remember growing up when we could call a buddy up after school to go ride bikes or build a fort? I remember calling Mike and his mom would answer, “Hello Mrs. Holloway, can Mike come over?” He’d be in the background and start pestering her right away. Isn’t that cool? We both knew we wanted to hang out. We didn’t set these up, we just went for it. “Well David, he’s barely finished his chores but if he can get the grass cut, I’ll bring him over.” I can still hear Mike all excited in the background. “Thanks Mom, I’ll do it right now, I promise, I’m going right now!”

Fast forward a few decades and a text to your buddy might sound more like, “Hey man what are you all up to this weekend? Ah you know, Krista probably has me out helping one of her friends. It’s like I’m the handy man whenever something breaks at our place or anyone else’s. What about you? Yeah, I got some stuff I need to do on the van. Saving money again. Can’t afford to take it to the shop. You gonna watch the game on Saturday? Yeah probably.” then the text dies. Each waiting for the other to make a move, but we don’t, and we just get back to our day. Dude! See if he wants to come over and watch the game! Your girl will be so thrilled someone else is going to listen to you that she’ll probably make snacks. Try a few things like this and months later when the Superbowl rolls around you have someone to hang with. Any other Brother feel that special kind of loneliness when it seems like every guy you know is going to some Superbowl bash and you’re sitting at home alone?

2. Find someone who wants a Bro as much as you do.

If you’re just looking for a buddy to go to a game with then find a dude who likes sports and isn’t a jerk. Job done. But if you’re on the level of just being found out, lost your job or maybe your wife’s two steps out the door, then you’ll need to find a buddy who has some of this going on too. Don’t spend much time on a “Mismatch.” This is when you realize you and your buddy see your friendship pretty differently. Maybe you had an awful day, a total cluster, so you text your Bro and see if he has time for a beer after work, making it clear that it’s important. First you hear nothing for a couple of hours, then a quick, “Yeah hey man my neighbor just came over and he’s just kind of hanging around ya know, sorry dude but tonight probably won’t work.” To be clear, this guy knows what you’re in the middle of and that some days feel like you’re hanging on by a thread. He knows this but just kind of can’t be bothered unless it really works for him. “Yeah dude, I mean I’ve got nothing else going on tonight, I was actually hoping to hit the sack early, but yeah come on over for a few.” I know you can see it. You can probably feel it too. You wish you could be honest and fire back, “Dude! You don’t get it. I’m not going to work tomorrow. I can’t! I’ve already drank too much. Now I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot at the bar and I can’t figure out what to do next!!” A few minutes later you get one more text from him, “Hey man, hang in there. Maybe we can hang next week.” Mismatch! For sure.

3. You’re strong so know that getting some buddies isn’t weakness. It’s just plain smart.

This is hard stuff dude, and it starts in on us when we’re young. Having close pals when we’re little moves into girlfriends at school, then before you know it partners and kids. Along the way our circles get smaller and shallower, until one day things get out of hand, and we look around for someone to help and no one’s there. Bro – build a base and start now. Start slow. Look around and find a dude who you’d like to hang with.

Don’t try this with your boss or your Brother-in-law just because they’re close by and you see them the most. Instead take a close look around the guys in your life and pick a couple to try this with.

Just talking to a buddy and he was excited because he’d had some guys over from the neighborhood. “Man, that was one of the best times I’ve had in years. Better than Cabo, better than the raise I got…whew, hard to describe. Just felt good to be heard by a bunch of dudes. We had some BBQ, watched a game then a few guys hung out on the deck for another hour or so smoking cigars and getting kind of deep. Here’s the thing – the wives have been getting together every week or so for probably 10 years. And you know how it works, us guys have been hanging for the same amount of time. If someone asked, we’d probably say they’re close buddies, maybe even Brothers. Weekend dinners, a few camping trips. But this is the first time in about 5 years that the guys have hung out.” Wait, stop the tape…FIVE YEARS?! Are you kidding me? Do ya think there were some nights where one of them drank themself to sleep, so damn frustrated with life that it’s about all he could manage? And I’ll bet some other guys punched holes in some walls when cigars on a back porch would have worked better. And you can bet a few habits have jumped into their lives over the years. I won’t go as far as calling them addictions, but maybe some weed when things just suck. And that turns into some on the weekends, then weekends and maybe just Mondays. And more than a few tossed in some porn. Oh man that monkey jumps on your back and can totally consume you in a couple of months. Or maybe it’s something socially acceptable –hard work baby! Hell, we cheer it on. Find a family in a huge house and you’ll most likely find a guy chasing work like his tails on fire. And do these guys have even one close buddy that really knows their story? Maybe. Maybe not.

Or let’s say you’re in the middle of a few bad few weeks where you think you might get fired, then your thinking logically moves to losing the house, trying to find enough cardboard to get your wife and kids out of the elements and…on and on it goes. Before you reach for something that’s going to feel good for sure but also might push you deeper down the hole, what if you could call a dude and just slash and vent and burn with an honesty that’s scary but feels so damn good. Just to get it out of your head so you can see just a little bit more light. And what if you had someone who’s not going to cut you off, “Hey man I’m sorry you’re going through this, but Chelsea’s calling me and I gotta go. Hang in there, it’s not as bad as you think.” Click. Naa Bro. Look for a dude who will make time for you. It might not be right when you think you need it. It’s ok if yall can’t hang for a few days. It’ll be worth it.

Things have changed in our friendships as we’ve grown up and grown older. No question. Is it harder than it used to be? I don’t think so, just different.

Find someone who’s on your level. It might a monthly hang all the way to checking in once a week. If you’re diving in with different expectations, it’ll just get weird.

One commonality of every GOAT you can think is the importance of their inner circle. Mentors, buddies, and deep, close friends who knew all their craziness and kept coming back.

So, Bro if this stuff hits the spot start taking some risks with your buddies and maybe someday, you’ll see a dude flipping you off at an airport, but you know that he’s got your back. In fact, he’s your Brother.

Excerpted from “Friends, Buddies, Brothers - A Men’s Field Guide To The Complex World of Our Relationships.” @2024 David Thomason Penguin, Simon and Schuster, Phaidon or maybe Chronicle…who knows!